There is so much hype around this number 30! Frankly, for me it is just a number and that is how I have always seen age as. BUT I agree that thirty feels different. I don't know if I can attribute the feeling to the number because I presume for some this feeling can come earlier and for some later. Do read and let me know if it is the magic of thirty or not! Before I describe this feeling, I must write a little something about the decade that went by.
Twenties for me was all about recklessness, carefree abandon, over confidence, losing myself, finding meaning and self evaluation. I started by actually believing that the world is my oyster and there is nothing that can stop me from getting my pearl! The first few years were glorious, in me finding a field of work that I loved, flirting and dating, tasting independence and spreading my wings so to say. But then the next few years were challenging because I was at a vulnerable age where although I thought I was confident and head strong, others' opinions mattered.
My decision to get married was where it began. It happened so fast that although I was aware of my intentions, I was not ready for it. It is a different thing that I now realize one is never really ready for marriage. Back then, the toll of that relationship was sometimes unbearable and I blamed myself for getting into that situation. I think the crux is that marriage is always about the big picture but in your twenties the small picture is of utmost importance. And this conflict can be all consuming. To add to that there is all this pressure you feel of performing to the expectations of your family, your spouse, your friends, your colleagues, the media (yes, you read that right) and yourself!
When I decided to quit my job and move with my husband it was a blasphemous thing to do from where I came from. I did it because I just thought that this relationship means more to me than my job and I am smart enough to land another job. So I did and it was good but then came the biggest bummer when again I quit to raise my son. That was hard, really hard. My family, my colleagues, my friends, every article I read laughed at the prospect of a young smart woman staying at home to raise her child. Of course stay at home moms are sugar coated and projected as heroes but trust me, being one, one can clearly read the undertones of such statements!
But I held on to my decision and I knew I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course I had my bad days where in I saw how I had thrown away a most promising career, I was reduced to a mere 'house wife with no financial independence' as stereotypical as it may sound and there was no way of going back to what I was. I had my good days too where I cherished being with my son and realized what is important to me may not be the norm but who cares. These were the years that I also began reflecting on life and self evaluating.
It is human nature to glorify one's own standards and that is how I began. (Note: That is a great way to start ) I started to see all the positive things in the decisions I had taken and even though I was acutely aware or made aware of my follies I either ignored them (if they deserved that) or acknowledged them and started making amends. Personally for me, a regular 'job' lost its meaning. I didn't see any point in slogging myself to death trying to fit in the vicious economy AND shoulder the responsibilities of my family. This was not a constant feeling of course. Often I would be lured by the prospect of making money and getting a break from raising a family and more importantly craving for that 'equality' at home and then when I would put myself in the shoes of a working mom, I would feel lost thinking if my son won't have me when he needs me the most what was the point of having him and how will I ever answer myself that I felt it was important to go out and make money ( which I don't really need) by marketing products that most people anyway don't need as against being with my son and moulding him in his most vulnerable years! The battle still continues and there is no easy answer but I have made my peace. Life is long, certainly not short. I can attain so many skills and enjoy my family now. There is a good division of labor at home now and to tilt that balance will take a toll on all of us. In the meantime I should be prepared for that time in future when the balance will tilt on its own :)
At thirty, I think the one feeling that dominates the most is that of quiet self assuredness. I strongly no longer feel answerable to anyone. I know what I want from my life and even if I don't, I want to figure it out myself. I know the few people who I will seek opinions from but I strongly feel those few will reduce to 'none but me' in the next few years :) That is what turning thirty means to me.
Twenties for me was all about recklessness, carefree abandon, over confidence, losing myself, finding meaning and self evaluation. I started by actually believing that the world is my oyster and there is nothing that can stop me from getting my pearl! The first few years were glorious, in me finding a field of work that I loved, flirting and dating, tasting independence and spreading my wings so to say. But then the next few years were challenging because I was at a vulnerable age where although I thought I was confident and head strong, others' opinions mattered.
My decision to get married was where it began. It happened so fast that although I was aware of my intentions, I was not ready for it. It is a different thing that I now realize one is never really ready for marriage. Back then, the toll of that relationship was sometimes unbearable and I blamed myself for getting into that situation. I think the crux is that marriage is always about the big picture but in your twenties the small picture is of utmost importance. And this conflict can be all consuming. To add to that there is all this pressure you feel of performing to the expectations of your family, your spouse, your friends, your colleagues, the media (yes, you read that right) and yourself!
When I decided to quit my job and move with my husband it was a blasphemous thing to do from where I came from. I did it because I just thought that this relationship means more to me than my job and I am smart enough to land another job. So I did and it was good but then came the biggest bummer when again I quit to raise my son. That was hard, really hard. My family, my colleagues, my friends, every article I read laughed at the prospect of a young smart woman staying at home to raise her child. Of course stay at home moms are sugar coated and projected as heroes but trust me, being one, one can clearly read the undertones of such statements!
But I held on to my decision and I knew I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course I had my bad days where in I saw how I had thrown away a most promising career, I was reduced to a mere 'house wife with no financial independence' as stereotypical as it may sound and there was no way of going back to what I was. I had my good days too where I cherished being with my son and realized what is important to me may not be the norm but who cares. These were the years that I also began reflecting on life and self evaluating.
It is human nature to glorify one's own standards and that is how I began. (Note: That is a great way to start ) I started to see all the positive things in the decisions I had taken and even though I was acutely aware or made aware of my follies I either ignored them (if they deserved that) or acknowledged them and started making amends. Personally for me, a regular 'job' lost its meaning. I didn't see any point in slogging myself to death trying to fit in the vicious economy AND shoulder the responsibilities of my family. This was not a constant feeling of course. Often I would be lured by the prospect of making money and getting a break from raising a family and more importantly craving for that 'equality' at home and then when I would put myself in the shoes of a working mom, I would feel lost thinking if my son won't have me when he needs me the most what was the point of having him and how will I ever answer myself that I felt it was important to go out and make money ( which I don't really need) by marketing products that most people anyway don't need as against being with my son and moulding him in his most vulnerable years! The battle still continues and there is no easy answer but I have made my peace. Life is long, certainly not short. I can attain so many skills and enjoy my family now. There is a good division of labor at home now and to tilt that balance will take a toll on all of us. In the meantime I should be prepared for that time in future when the balance will tilt on its own :)
At thirty, I think the one feeling that dominates the most is that of quiet self assuredness. I strongly no longer feel answerable to anyone. I know what I want from my life and even if I don't, I want to figure it out myself. I know the few people who I will seek opinions from but I strongly feel those few will reduce to 'none but me' in the next few years :) That is what turning thirty means to me.
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